A “Winning” Resignation Speech

My fellow (just under 40% of) Americans,

Well, it’s sure been a wild and fun ride for the past 100-plus days (unless, of course, your name is Comey or Schumer or Pelosi or Pocahontas Warren or Maddow or Huffington or Anderson Cooper or Glenn Thrush or all the other freedom haters out there). I don’t think even McConnell or Ryan expected to see so much winning in such a short time.  Those guys must love coming to work again after the disastrous prior eight years.

When I think back on my tenure as President, starting with the biggliest crowd to ever attend an inauguration, I can say with all sincerity and complete surety that I have accomplished more in just over 100 days than any other president in history (and that includes presidents of every other country). In fact, I have accomplished more in just a few short months than most presidents do throughout their entire term of office.  Maybe Abraham Lincoln or Ronald Reagan did almost as much, but remember they served during periods of calm with far less adversity and far fewer haters than I have had to contend with.  And, my record of comparable, historic accomplishments is an easy fact check when we consider the dismal Barry Hussein Obama years.  Does anyone really believe that he killed Osama bin Laden?  I get the best intelligence and, believe me, that victory lap he takes every day is way premature.  You want to know what really killed bin Laden…that MOAB I dropped on Syria (or was it Afghanistan?). Yet, only Breitbart had the guts to report this.

Believe me, the country is far safer today than when I took over; the economy is growing far faster today than when I took over; the Supreme Court is far sounder today than when I took over; the trade deals are more USA-friendly today than when I took over; departments like Energy, EPA, and Education are finally being managed by “loyal” industry experts who have devoted their lives to these areas as opposed to life-long bureaucrats or political fat cats who are merely rewarded for campaign contributions; the country, my country, has again gained the respect of the rest of the world that was lost during the prior eight years. World leaders love me…that guy from Turkey; the broad from Germany; the hombre from Mejico; everyone in Russia; my great friend, the Prime Minister of Australia (where they have fantastic health care, by the way); the handful of non-radical Muslims in Saudi Arabia (did you see the parade they had for me?); even Bibi and the dude from Palestine agree that I am the best person to bring peace to the Middle East (even with an orthodox Jew son-in-law).

And just imagine what I could have done without the Fake Media attacking me from every corner; without a grandstanding and overzealous FBI director out to make a name for himself with fake investigations (except the Hillary email investigation); without the bitter Democrats looking for every fake excuse in the book for why their beloved Hillary, yes Crooked Hillary, is not the president, and derailing my momentum every chance they get. I have set the plan for a full repeal of that disastrous Obamacare and replacing it with something super great.  I even helped Paul Ryan with his PowerPoint.  I have a tax plan that will benefit everyone and allow all Americans to dream about one day being as rich as me.  And plans for that wall between the US and Mexico are being drawn as we speak, a wall so grand that the Great Wall of Japan will look like a small fence next to it.  And take one guess as to who will be paying for it.  (Yes, it’s in my budget.)

I promised to “drain that swamp” in Washington and day by day, I can say “Mission Accomplished.” It’s happening before our eyes because of me, despite all the threats to my leadership.  You see how the fake media operates, how they are obsessed with me and my successes; you see the measures the Dems will take to promote their liberal New York elitist agenda and try to make me look bad by holding up my great legislation; you read about the leaks that come from all the leftovers of the Obama administration who are so bitter at how we have already way outperformed their horrible track record of failures.  You see how they treated a good man, a great man like Michael Flynn, who was leading us on a path toward the safest, bestest national security (and didn’t talk as much as the new guy with the initials instead of a first name).  Sadly, the bureaucracy that is DC does not allow for the swamp to be drained overnight and the likes of Comey and Schumer and the Fake Media have continued to put up roadblocks and slow the momentum we are gaining with each passing day.  And that makes all of our successes even more remarkable.

Therefore, even though I have achieved far more in 100-plus days than anyone expected me to do in eight years, I have determined that I can accomplish even more for this great country from outside the bureaucracy of the Beltway (with more time at Mar-a-Lago). I can get even more done without the shackles and ridiculous checks and balances that have been placed on the Executive Branch by the grandstanding opposition.  I can send even more tweets and don’t have to worry that I spelled all the words right and/or write (LOL).

I can continue to successfully work for (just under 40% of) the American people by passing the torch of the Presidency to a loyal man who was a mere unknown religious zealot with great potential when I selected him to run as my Veep, but who has blossomed under my tutelage and is now ready to lead (with me serving as a mentor and Jared, Ivanka, and Steve Bannon just down the hall, of course).

So I am stepping aside and turning over the reins of the presidency to Mike Pence. He becomes the new CEO of the United States and I will be his Chairman of the Board, there to advise and councel (sic), there to share stories of how I was so successful; there to give him some on-the-job training about how to Keep America Great. (Remember, I’m the one who actually made it great again).

But, I am not going away. I can be reached at Trump Tower or Mar-a-Lago or Trump International in DC (can you believe it used to be a poorly run government post office?) or Le Chateau des Palmiers (if it hasn’t sold) or Trump International Hotel and Tower in Toronto (that was not financed by Russians) and will continue to speak out to (just under 40% of) you, my loyal supporters, who can always follow me at @realDonaldTrump.

God Bless (just under 40% of) You and enjoy your life.